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2017.08.29 23:55

상담 후기

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저는 남편을 의심하는 내자신이 너무 힘들고 싫어서 몇 번이나 죽으려고도 해봤고

신경정신과도 가봤고 점집에서 몇 백만원짜리 부적도 써 보고, 그럼에도 남편에 대한 의심을 풀 수가 없어서 마지막이라 생각하고 아시는 분의 소개로, 원장님을 만났습니다. 모아놨던 돈도 수중에 얼마 남지 않아 마지막이라는 맘으로, 10회기만 받아봐야지 하고 상담을 시작했습니다.

내 생각에는 남편의 외도가 확실한데 남편은 아니라고 잡아떼고. 용서를 빌어도 시원찮을 판에 죽어도 아니라며 나를 미친년 취급하는 남편과의 갈등 기간이 길어지면서, 내 도움으로 시작한 남편의 사업도 거의 망할 지경이 되었기에 돈도 잃고 나자신도 황폐해져 가는게 너무 힘들었습니다.이혼을 해야겠다는 결심을 한 후, 그래도 여태 살아온 게 원통해서라도...하는 마음이었습니다.

 

자라면서는 큰딸로서 책임이 무거웠고 늘 참고 스스로 알아서 살았지만 원가족에서 '까다롭다'는 이유로 공감도 못 받았기에 고시공부하던 남편의 따뜻함과 똑똑함이 좋아서 다른 면은 다 버리고 오로지 남편만 붙잡았는데...

결혼생활도 외로움과 기다림의 연속이었지만, 참고 살아보려 애썼지만 어느날부턴가 이상한 낌새를 느끼게 되고. 명확한 증거가 없다보니 이상한 사람으로 몰리게 되니, 억울함이 하늘을 찌르는 것 같고 어느날은 우울해서 땅으로 꺼지다 또 조금만 남편이 잘해주면 살아났다...

그랬습니다.

 

상담을 받으면서 외로움, 억울함이 나의 핵심감정인걸 처음 알게 되었고, 모든 억울함이 남편 때문인지 알았는데 내가 스스로 몰아가는 것도 있음을 받아들일 정도로 힘이 생겼습니다.

다시는 남편과 좋아지지 않을 줄로 알았는데, 내면이 성장하면서 사랑에 대한 환상이 깨어지고 사랑이라는 용어의 개념에 대한 이해도가 높아지니, 상처는 있었지만 그냥 흉터자국만 남은, 좀 더 이미지적으로 표현하자면 어릴 적, 집 뒤에서 본 뱀의 허물같은 느낌으로 남았습니다.

거의 망해서 전업을 고민하던 남편과 다른 사업을 시작하면서 새 희망을 꿈꾸고 있습니다.

상담 받기 전에는 어린아이 같이 남편에게 매달리던 저도 의존에서 벗어나 상당히 독립적이 된 것 같고요. 제가 좋고 자존감이 올라가니 건강한 부부관계가 어떠한 건지 실감하고 있습니다.

이제부터는 나를 외롭거나 억울하게 만들지 않으려고요.

나를 사랑하니까 남편도 함부로 저를 대하지 않아요.

 

 

그냥 상담 받고 돌아가고 하면서 몇 개월 지나니 편하게 되었습니다.

이리저리 노력한 것 같지도 않은데. 그래서 더 신기했습니다.

10회만 하려하다가 13회기에 끝났습니다. 제가 해볼걸 다 해보고서야 원장님을 만났기 때문에

완전 믿고 상담에 임했습니다. 원장님께서도 상당히 빠르다고 하셨고요.

 

됩니다.

저도 안될 줄로만 알았습니다.

혼자서 끔끙대며 힘들어 하지 마시고 약간의 돈과 시간을 들이면 다른 길이 보입니다.

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    리앤리심리상담센터 2017.08.30 12:51
    바질리아님~
    수고하셨습니다.
    그 힘이 있었기에 지금처럼 행복한 날도 있는거지요.
    고맙습니다.
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